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This truly is a sad poem. Very emotive and wonderfully written.

Editing good too. One line missing a comma at end, but very well done. :)

The suicide undertone is concerning - sounds like you have been reading Romeo & Juliet with our Year 9s ;) Actually, I would probably change the suicidal adjective in opening stanza to something more about the actual appearance of cuts. Or even remove that line. The poem is already sad, but that takes us to a scary place.

You write emotive poetry so well though. I hope you are going to include some of your funny/cheerful poems too. :)


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Sadness Is... by Lilly by ConnorsConnors, 11 Sep 2018 00:19

Lilly, this one needs a fair bit of work.

AGAIN, 'i' is not a word ;)

Mary Had a Little Lamb in your description is a title. How do we punctuate titles?

The story is too short. The rhymes are good but I want to know why she traded it.


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Mary and Her Lamb by Lilly by ConnorsConnors, 11 Sep 2018 00:12

Excellent descriptive poem. I love how it changes focus half way through :)

The very last line needs some work though. Just a little jarring.

Editing pretty good but 'Bruce' is used as extra information both times - what do we do with extra information.

Also, the line with 'aw' in it is direct speech. How do we punctuate that?

Description very brief (and is not in italics). Why did it take a while?


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Bedroom by Lilly by ConnorsConnors, 11 Sep 2018 00:06

This is a good ode Cian, but some of it needs some work.

2nd half of 2nd stanza and concluding stanzas especially. Your last two lines are like 'new information' in a conclusion as if you are starting a whole new topic.

If including Wayne Gardner, then you need to tell the reader more about him. What you have means very little on its own.

Also…
When putting poems on the pages please put them AT THE TOP with a Heading that stands out and separate it from other poems with dividing line. (I have done this for you for this one).

'i' on its own is not a word. Check poem & description.


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Motorbike Ode by Cian by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 23:37

Hayley, this is another great little poem.

I am not sure where the dying idea comes in or if it is written correctly, but somehow it just works. This is what haiku poetry is all about :)


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Winter Haiku by Hayley by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 23:25

Very good Cian.

Can you put your name, grade and year at the bottom like others?)


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Re: Cian LandCruiser Haiku by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 23:22

Hey Hayley, this is a great ballad! I hope you show your mum.

A fantastic introduction and I actually like how you dropped the rhyming pattern to finish. Makes your concluding statement stand out.

Minor edits:

  • Just watch pronouns - read your description out aloud.
  • Use word 'three' instead of 3.
  • Just check stops and commas. Read aloud.

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Re: Mum Ballad by Hayley by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 23:19

Good poem Josie.

(Just punctuate the description. Capital used mid sentence, no space after full stop and no full stop at end).


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Uniqueness Is... by Josie by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 23:09

A solid little poem Lilly.

A couple of minor edits to fix:

  • 'i' in description.
  • make description italics
  • some punctuation in stanzas 1 & 2. (Read them allowed. Think where commas should be).
  • plural problem - 'people's face'?

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Life of an Eraser by Lilly by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 22:53

A great post, Lilly. Some positive comments, but also useful ones for editing. I hope Hayley sees your comments and makes appropriate adjustments :)


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Re: Hayley Ballad by ConnorsConnors, 10 Sep 2018 03:40

It's pretty good but there is some errors. such as in the 3rd verse , 3rd line it should be met instead of meet and she instead of see. The 4th verse 1st line want should be went and meet should be met. Your affection for her shows in the poem. Good job :)

Hayley Ballad by LilliaannLilliaann, 06 Sep 2018 01:04

It's pretty funny.

Cian LandCruiser Haiku by LilliaannLilliaann, 06 Sep 2018 00:57
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by alyssam8alyssam8, 18 Oct 2017 23:40
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by alyssam8alyssam8, 18 Oct 2017 23:39

So sorry I missed this Lilly. I need to check more :(

We were just working on the persuasive writing piece, as you now know ;)


“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

Re: Mr connolly by ConnorsConnors, 18 Oct 2017 22:24

hi Mr Connolly,
i've missed 3 days of school and i'm wondering what english work i have missed on the 11th and 13th so i could catch up.
Lilly

Mr connolly by LilliaannLilliaann, 13 Oct 2017 06:16
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by morbry123morbry123, 21 Sep 2017 00:53
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by morbry123morbry123, 21 Sep 2017 00:53
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by morbry123morbry123, 21 Sep 2017 00:52
Re: Gone Bloom Ball by andrewm9andrewm9, 21 Sep 2017 00:51
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